there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
