I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
