i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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