My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
