I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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