ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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