When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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