every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
