I wanna passion pit in your ass
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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