btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.