I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
