Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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