i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
