I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
