i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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