I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
