she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
