pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
