i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
