We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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