I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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