the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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