do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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