Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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