i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
