I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
