Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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