I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
