I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
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I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
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Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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