david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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