never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
this boner is exhausting
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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