Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Found your dick twin last night
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
