she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
