Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
