There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
God, I missed his penis.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
