Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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