I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
