I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
