Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
