so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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