No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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