My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
