I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
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did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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