Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
