I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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