My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
