i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Will exercising make me less horny?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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