apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
