he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
