I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
