If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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