ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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