theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
should my penis look like a turkey
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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