When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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