I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
