Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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