I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
