Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
