I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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