I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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