I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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