sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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